Boy Did I Feel Like a Fool

Chasing the girl, chased by the Lord

I remember a season of my life when I prayed for wisdom daily. I was an undergraduate serving tables in between classes, trying to be a grown-up. But boy did I feel like a fool. Apart from a general feeling that I just didn’t know what I was doing with my life, I regularly embarrassed myself. Whether because of my naïve but sincere attempts to convert the frat boys I worked with, or because at 19 I’d already had a failed marriage engagement, I grew anxious to avoid looking and being foolish. In the three years after my breakup with my fianceé, I asked exactly three women out on dates. None of my attempts went well, and I felt like a buffoon.

I knew James 1:5, which counsels anyone who lacks wisdom to ask for it. The scripture promises that anyone who asks will receive wisdom liberally and without reproach. So I started asking.

Angel with flaming sword, generated

I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a few people who think not much has changed since my table waiting days. Maybe they’re right. Though, to be fair, Paul says that the message of the cross is itself foolishness to those who are perishing, which might mean there are people who think I’m a fool just for being a Christian.

I still wonder to myself, “am I a fool?” The funny thing about wisdom is that you never know when you have it. Really, you only know you had it, retrospectively. But even when you did have it, there’ll inevitably have been people who were calling you a fool when you were being wise. So to this day, wisdom seems ever elusive, out of my grasp, and when it’s in my grasp, I don’t know it.

I’ve recently been revisiting the book of Proverbs in my prayers, which seems to have been written under the assumption that one can never know one has wisdom, except perhaps in hindsight. Proverbs 4, for example, doesn’t set out any particular advice on how to behave in real-life situations. It instead just says over and over in diverse and compelling ways that one ought to pursue wisdom. The underlying conviction seems to be that the only way to be wise is to always seek wisdom, which means to always count oneself a fool.

To be wise, then, is to make wisdom the object of one’s affections. Proverbs personifies wisdom as a woman worthy of desire (Prov 3:15). Like a boy crushing on a girl way out of his league, the pursuit of wisdom is a romantic affair—a cute one because the poor guy is doomed to strike out. She’s out of his league because, as Proverbs 3:18 says, she’s a tree of life, and we all know the way into Eden is blocked by an angel with a flaming sword. Still yet, Proverbs 3:19 identifies wisdom as the one through whom the earth was founded, which means she’s out the boy’s league if for no other reason because she’s too old for him.

In the Gospel of John, we find out that this woman who—however out of reach—is worthy of romantic pursuit is actually the man Jesus. John says, “all things were made through him” (1:3), just like Proverbs says about wisdom. And, like wisdom, Jesus is the tree of life whose body and blood are the fruit we now hold in our hands, and the Word that is in our mouths (Romans 10:8).

Jesus out of reach, generated.

I think that this is ultimately why the many exhortations to find wisdom in the Scriptures are so often bereft of concrete advice—because to be wise is to be in love with Jesus. Perhaps this is what “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” is ultimately getting at (Prov 1:7).

The truth is that Wisdom, by his very nature, is out of our reach. As Paul says, we can’t ascend to heaven to bring Christ down, nor can we descend into the abyss to bring Christ up from the dead. But, he comes down to us, and ascends from the grave for our sakes (Romans 10:7-8).

Maybe that eager little boy I was in college was a fool. But he was a fool seeking wisdom who’d already been found by Wisdom. Which is never a bad place to be.

All that is to say: the only way to have wisdom is for Wisdom to have us. Let him take you out, wine and dine you—you’ll never be a fool for saying “yes.”

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Unrelatedly,

I have a new book out. Here’s what Kevin Hargaden, the director of the Jesuit Centre for Faith and Justice in Dublin, Ireland has to say about it:

Resurrecting Worship tells a story we need to hear—how congregations are revitalized in today’s culture. My approach to leadership in my own local church has been indelibly impacted by Joseph Lear’s reflections. Grounded in the Pentecostal tradition but applicable across Christian denominations, this book offers more than a roadmap for numerical renewal; it invites Christians into a deeper, theologically rich practice of worship. By returning to the essentials of Trinitarian, Eucharistic, and Spirit-led liturgy, the author demonstrates how authentic worship not only sustains faith communities but breathes new life into the mission of the church. This is a profound testimony of how faithful, intentional worship can reawaken the church’s call to justice, compassion, and discipleship, while pointing the way toward a kingdom-oriented future. Church leaders seeking both spiritual depth and practical guidance will find in these pages hope for a slow burning, yet powerful revival.